JOWEEEEEN

this is everything i didn't say

Tuesday, 27 October 2015 || 9:27 pm

it's so scary to think how fast things change over a short period of time. i don't even know if it's due to the fast-paced lifestyle, or is it because of the way we lead our lives, or is it just part of God's plan. i definitely didn't want things to change so quickly, drastically. one moment, everything was fine and you're genuinely happy with life. the next, everything is breaking apart and you feel so torn. it's just as though when you've reached the peak, and life decided to throw some troubles and problems at you and everything just starts crashing down. and i don't know what to do. i really don't know what to do. so many things have changed for me over this past year but i feel like the worst have yet to come. sometimes i hope that things will get better. but most of the time i know that i shouldn't hope too much.

it is inevitable that things change. i know. i just didn't know how much and how fast things would change. i wasn't ready for this. i wasn't expecting this. but i guess shit happens. i just have to suck it up and deal with it. just gonna smile my way through the end of the year.

to anyone out there going through a difficult time of change, you are not alone.

//i just want to escape from reality//

thoughts.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015 || 12:40 am

it's midnight on a weekday, i'm supposed to be sleeping but i'm casually lying on my bed with laptop... typing this post out. messed up body clock with messed up thoughts - that's me right now. i feel so different lately and i don't even know why. it's as though some things have changed - not for the better, and not for the worse as well. i don't know man, everything that happens is God's plan. trust in Him. really ought to remind myself to live for God and that everything, anything that happens, happens for a reason.

soo... we've finally completed the burdensome headache-causing fingers-numbing wr, ready for submission tomorrow. i literally just heaved a sigh of relief. no more worries about adding si, cutting down words, ensuring that the words and flow of thoughts actually make sense, inserting this, editing that, and it's probably about time when i memorise my wr from cover to cover for rtq prep. next up is op, and mine will be on 2 nov. and if you're wondering, i do not look forward to it. at all. i haven't fully memorised my script nor have i prepared for rtq!! today, ms jane called two pairs of people (one from s22 and one from our class) to answer two rtq questions in front of both classes. and (un)fortunately for me, i got called. whaaaat. it was so nerve-wrecking my palms were actually sweating. i would say my first attempt at answering an rtq question on the spot was not bad for a first-timer, but it was still bad. aiya. and my group did our presentation today, for the first time without our scripts, and it went really bad. HAHA. i have yet to memorise the last part of my script but i'll work on that. other than op, we still have i&r to deal with. i honestly can't wait to get pw over and done with! but then when pw is over it means one thing -- promos results. doomsday. when i will know my promotional status. or how i tell people, it's when i know whether i go up or stay. oh well fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

this week is the start of O's and well who would have thought 365 days have passed by so quickly! just one year ago i was rushing all my tys, spamming consults, writing essays, getting worried and nervous over every wrong question, and having sweaty palms before every paper. shoutout to gyt, mr and alice for being idiotic and comical during this crucial period of time, making jokes and helping me feel better, as well as stressing me out sometimes when ya'll get nervous and talk about tuitions and stuffs????? and also, shoutout to nathan for literally being there for me throughout my o's period and trying to calm me down before every paper which, coming to think about it, seems like a really difficult task. really appreciate it! so to all juniors, you can do it!! and i'd like to take this time to wish the seniors all the best for a's too! grad is over, still see some of ya'll studying in school/through snapchat feeling stressed, but ya'll can do it! completing a's means completing 12 years of formal education yaz ya'll can ace a's!! just don't set the standard too high till our batch will be expected to do better HAHA. okay basically to anyone taking major/minor/whatever kind of exams, goodluck!!

news came recently that the vamps, the tide and 5sos will be coming to singapore next year and obviously my sisters are going crazy. but the tickets are so expensive i don't even understand why it is so expensive to live in singapore, really. singapore may be a first world country but doesn't mean that we're all rich!! (in this case i mean that not all of us can afford overpriced-or so- gigs). sigh.

p.s. i hate the mother tongue/pw intensive timetable because mother tongue is always or most of the time in the morning while pw is in the afternoon and we have to report to school at the normal timing - and this deprives me of my sleep as i could use an extra 3-4 hours of sleep but no. we have to go to school for morning assembly and then sweat in school and not be able to sleep because uncomfortable environment. ok. and the school's being strict about late coming issues and absentees stuff it's like zzz whatever just let me sleep okay please.

i handed in my ogl application form yesterday and i'm hoping for the best. i was rather skeptical whether i should hand it up or not, because i had many insecurities and thoughts, but carpe diem right? quote jared from india 2013. there are so many reasons why i want and don't want to be an ogl. but oh well, let's see how the interview goes.

i take so long to get over things. and this is something that i have to change, i know it. it sucks taking a long time to get over things because i'll be stuck in the past while people move on and ultimately, i'll be the one facing problems and all. get over things from the past, joween! if there's something i really need to learn, it is to get over things as soon as possible. there is no point being stuck in the past. time doesn't stop. people won't wait for me. k e e p m o v i n g o n . so yeah basically i've been thinking about some things in the past (some events which occurred rather recently, some long ago) which kinda keeps me thinking about stuff and sometimes this leads me to overthinking things and sometimes making me feel a tad bit emotional and this sucks too so yeah this has got to stop. l e t i t g o .

"i'll get over the way that you got over me

i know that i'll make it there eventually

get my heart to erase somehow

and stop wondering

where are you now"

till next time x

batam weekend + farewell assembly

Saturday, 17 October 2015 || 12:49 pm

as i mentioned in my previous post, we went to batam for a short weekend getaway this past weekend. even though it was just a very short trip to a neighbouring country, i was satisfied. with all the pw work slowly adding up, in preparation for going through promos scripts, and with the list of things to do getting longer and longer due to procrastinating (lol), this short trip to batam was necessary.

saturday. our ferry was like around 3pm ish and i was like yayyyyy indonesia here i come! it was pretty hazy, like the psi hit a high of over 200+, but luckily it was a smooth hour plus journey to batam. our uncle fetched us and drove us around basically (perks of having overseas relatives). so first we went to get some food - pempek. mum ordered so much food even though she said we'll eat a little bit to save for dinner (by then it was around 4-5pm). the pempek was so so spicy but it was so so good! it wasn't even a proper meal, but my stomach was satisfied already. afterwards, we went to a mall to wash our hair and mother got a massage. it was super shuang cos we had shoulders/arms massage too and it was really really necessary after all the writing i did for promos my arms were literally sore. HAHAHA and my hair was smooooooooooth. afterwards, it was around 8+ nearing 9. then we went to some place for dinner. we had 3 crabs, 2 chicken, 1 fish, mini prawns, and more stuff IT WAS SO GOOD I WAS SO FULL I WAS HAPPY. Indonesian food never fails. HAHAHA plus the fact that it was rather cheap, dang say bye to exercising after promos already. HAHAH. we were joined by two lil cousins (i posted the pic with them on insta) and they.. didn't really talk to us. no response. nothing. as expected. HAHAHA. but like once we went to their home, they literally started making a lot of noise and started talking to us and laughing and stuff????? meimei was sooooooo cuteeeeeeeee i cannot!!!!!!!!! but yah i was literally so tired but it was a great day because i had good food and because my cousins finally don't ignore us!! :')

we were woken up by our cousins at 7am local time. that's insane cos i was still so tired. but we went to the market for breakfast where we had more good food. :-))) and we went back home to prepare for our ferry which was at 2pm and it was then we were like crap we should have just gone home on monday cos we dodn't want to go back to school to go through our promos papers. but oh well whatever. we went to a mall for lunch which had really really good ribs (idk whats that called) and satay before we headed to the ferry terminal. BYE COUSINS. honestly thought we would have missed the ferry because the immigration queue was so so long and our ferry was at 2pm but at 1.40pm we were still waiting at the immigration line. but, batam, i'll be back!!

and it was on monday when my nightmare became reality and i was freaking out the entire morning so.

it's pw intensives all the way for me now!!!! (plus mother tongue for those who are taking).

14 October Wednesday was farewell assembly for our seniors and i walked to school feeling really sad already tbh HAHAHA don't laugh at me please. :( wrote some cards for my mgls and prepared some gifts for our ogls on behalf of the class and me and my sister went to school looking like santa claus. but we waited for marcus at cck to help carry some stuff. HAHAH. i literally came to school for nothing that day cos there was only mother tongue lecture. but i would say i came to school to pass my seniors the stuffs HAHAHA. the assembly was quite interesting. there was a talk by dr wan and my back was aching so much but ya wtv. then there was a part where cms & acms (!) gave gifts to their cts and it was so so funny especially the arts' classes ones HAHAH. and then there were video montages and thennnnnn some teachers performed a retro dance and ms wong was one of them?? DANCER SIOL MS WONG. HAHAHA it was really quite entertaining. then everybody sang the school song and said the college creed for the seniors last time before they throwed their grad hats (SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED YA). then everyone split up and i tried finding ogls/mgls because everyone were like going everywhere already. HAHAH. i managed to give all my mgls their cards except youhua so i thought he went off alr (LOL) but not yet. i saw audrey and bryan at the cafe area so we decided to go look around the school and hunt for mgls to take photos with them and so we literally went around, and we made bryan text our mgls whom we couldn't find, and we managed to take a picture with all our mgls except jerome and gail. :( i also managed to take a picture with all our ogls except cheryl :((((( and also took with cecilia, dexuan and vanessa! gonna miss vanessa so much now it's back to seeing her twice a week instead of six times a week!:( but yeah after the whole going-around-school-taking-photo-with-seniors episode, i was dead tired. but we had pw. and i was sad.

but 16 october friday was a happy day even though it was a whole day of pw, but it was very very funny HAHAHA a lot of things happened, and my O level kids are gonna take their exams next week! all the best to those taking O's and A's, yall can do it! have faith in yourselves.

till next time x

thoughts on promos results

Tuesday, 6 October 2015 || 9:38 pm

((i am supposed to be doing my op slides and memorising my op script and making my props for op presentation right now but no)) so i guess i'll do a little bit of self reflection for promos results before i start drowning myself in pw for the next two months.

so yesterday (monday 5/10/15) we went through our promos scripts, like every single subject, and on the weekend before that we went on a short getaway to batam, it was really good and necessary i would say, to prepare myself for this day. i was honestly so scared and nervous and i dreaded this day since last week, especially since i wasn't even sure if i would pass any subject. HAHAH. and so my results are as such:

subject | promos grade | MYE grade

GP (E) (E)

Math (C) (D)

Econs (D) (E)

History (D) (U)

Lit (C) (E)

i still do not know my final promotional status, because it's 60% promos 20% MYE 20% CAs kinda thing so. but i was very very surprised when i got my scripts back for econs, history, math and gp because i thought i would fail those subjects. and never would i have thought that i would actually clear pass those subjects (well, except gp).

econs. going for weekly consultations, going through chunks of contents and still getting confused all the time, i thought i would fail econs. especially since my close friends like walia and xintien have econs tuition, i know that i had to work extra hard firstly because econs was an entirely new subject to me, and secondly because i had no tuition. after the paper i was just like meh. but last week when the teachers reviewed the paper and i realised that there were so many main points that i did not include, i felt like i was literally dead for econs. points like coe, erp, allocative inefficiency, productive inefficiency and all, were absent in my essay LOL. so i didn't expect much at all. and a clear pass WAS a surprise to me. ms wong even said that me and my sister did not bad, and that she was happy with our class' performance, guess it was an improvement from midyears HAHA.

history. THIS LITERALLY SHOCKED ME. for ih i didn't even know if i was answering the question or not, and i felt like i was just bombing unnecessary facts, probably with inaccurate information too LOL. and for seahist i just bombed all the facts with definite inaccurate dates HAHA and i really didn't expect myself to pass promos especially since i failed history soooo badly for mid years and my content is really really weak and stuff. also, during mtp teacher actually talked about my history.......... so i was just like okay let's see how it goes. and when i saw a clear pass for both my ih and seahist i was like WHAT?! my total marks was 52 and the highest was 58 i was only 6 marks away from the top yo HAHAHA i was honestly so so happy when i learnt that i had a clear past for history so YAY!! and not too far from the top, :-)

lit. so improved by 2 grades. woah. lit. woah. i didn't see that coming. i thought i was just gonna pass by a little bit because i wrote soooo much for promos and our teachers actually emphasised before that less is better. and with all the consultation essays that i did, which were a 12/13 over 25 i thought i was just gonna get an E. so i was really scared. but last week, mr jason actually nodded his head at me and joey and asked if we ate some pills before lit paper and i'm like UM WHAT. but yes, got 15 for paper 1 unseen even though it the question was the more difficult question kinda thingy which didn't score very well and yes, i was shocked. genuinely shocked. but hey, a clear pass for lit omg!!

math. i felt that this paper was difficult and i honestly thought i was gonna fail this paper. even though we always had consultation with mr max and i always had questions and problems till the point mr max can't stand me and also said that i was rusty (HAHA) but oh well. mr max raised his eyebrows when he gave me the paper and i was like what and the first thing i looked out for was a pass. i would be satisfied with just an E. and then i saw that it was actually a clear pass, i was happy. even though my ridiculously answered last question was wrong. BLA. i passed the hardest math paper in my whole life guys. :')

gp. the only subject which i did not manage to clearly pass. i was just one mark away! i thought i would fail gp because my essay was out of point and the compre was really hard. but i guess it's okay E-ing gp, even though it is not enough for an arts students. gonna have a broader perspectives date soon!! oh yeah i just wanna give a shout out to xintien whose gp have improved since mid years! i know it's not easy for you, but i'm happy for you txt if you see this!!!!

overall i guess i am quite a bit kinda maybe satisfied with my promos results. i know that it is not very very good or significant, and that i probably could have done better. but given that i slacked a lot during the september holidays and stuff i guess it's pretty alright. now i just have to wait for my final promos results to come out and we'll see how it goes.....

hoping for the best but prepared for the worst.

till next time x

(i'll update my blog about batam soon. HOPEFULLY.)