JOWEEEEEN

this is everything i didn't say

Monday, 27 April 2015 || 8:47 pm

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i think i just think too much. i need to stop thinking so much and stop being paranoid about every little thing because if i continue to do so, how am i gonna enjoy life, right? life goes on, put on a freaking smile on your face and deal with everything in your way. all is fine joween even if you don't think so. let go and let God.

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|| 8:44 pm

have you ever felt okay, but not okay at the same time? have you ever felt like things are okay, but not okay at the same time? have you ever felt a mix of emotions once, and the next, you feel... emotionless?

life has been normal so far, with normal school and homework and everything else that my world revolves around. but i don't know, i've been feeling weird and funny recently. i feel kind of overwhelmed lately, and i myself do not know why. and sometimes i get easily emotional and other times i just don't feel anything at all, or rather have mixed feelings i guess. and i seriously don't know why i'm feeling like that. i probably haven't felt like that before. is this part of growing up because of the things i'm going through? but then all the things i'm going through is what normal teenagers go through and all is well for everybody else. everybody else, but me. this feeling sucks. when i just talk to someone or read a text, i can feel emotional for one moment and the next moment, i may be okay. or maybe could it be that i'm too used to feeling like that that i'm now numb to the feeling, and hence i don't feel anything? i am so confused with myself screw it. and now, i can only think of the line which my seniors told me three years ago in sumatra: "shit happens. suck it up and deal with it." deal. with. it. probably easier said than done, but i guess life goes on...

disappointment. will there ever be a time when i won't disappoint others in whatever i do? whether it is disappointing my family, my friends or my teachers. i feel like i'm a disappointment to everyone around me. i feel so insecure whenever i am asked to do things because i am afraid i will disappoint others. i guess we all do not want to disappoint others, and we all can't always do things that please everyone, people are bound to be disappointed at our actions sometimes. i can only try my best to not disappoint people. but how? i don't know. i'll figure a way to do so.

insecurity. i swear i feel so insecure about my whole entire self. the way i look the way i speak the way i walk the way i laugh, whatever i do, i feel like someone will be judging me. okay, everyone judges. but when people's impression of me changes, because, for instance, i let out a side of me i've not shown before, it's when i start getting insecure all over again. "what will that person think about me now" "that person will think i'm such a fool" "that person is judging you all over again" i feel judged all the time. i wonder how people walk around with so much confidence and self esteem in them, because i can never do so. never. ever. i get insecure over the slightest of things, like when i stop talking to people. my thoughts run wild. "am i a boring person" "what did i do wrong" "it's my fault, i shouldn't have said/done that". everything. i am just too paranoid. ugh.

we're all imperfect. i can't do things that not disappoint everyone, everytime. it's fine to be insecure, i guess, but being overly insecure? i guess that's my problem. that's when i keep thinking so much. when i think i have many problems but actually not. shit happens. suck it up and deal with it, joween.

i just want to go back to the times when i don't have problems, back to the carefree childhood days when i didn't have to care about who to be friends with, when i didn't have to think of a conversation starter. things grow complicated as we grow older. all the situations we have to deal with is unavoidable. this is why friendship is important. we all need friends by our side to support us. they may not know exactly what we are going through, but they may be going through similar situations as us. an ideal friend for me, would be one who will not give clues of finding me boring, even if i am. one who will be there for me to listen to continuous rants about school and homework and school and homework and life. one whom i am confident, will always be there for me through thick and thin, so that hopefully, we can go through different situations together. i..

right now i feel like i'm a disappointment and a paranoid asshole who has to get a grip on life.

(sorry i guess i just typed this post out unexpectedly because of some problems i'm going through right now)

fried-day

Saturday, 25 April 2015 || 12:40 pm

yesterday 24/4/15 friday was a really really tiring day i don't even know!!! school was soooooo tiring, too tiring, extremely tiring compared to other weeks and i felt like i was deprived of sleep... but oh well i am so glad today is saturday and i got to sleep in!!!! even though i woke up at like 10, which is still too early for me.

PI was due yesterday, and i am so glad i got rid of that thing finally!!! and we got to know our PW groupings yesterday. i'm in the same group as jasleen, zhe ern, wahidah and raam and i am quite happy with my groupings yay!!!! HAHAH oh well i hope that we can go through pw happily throughout this whole year and i hope we wont have a lot of troubles and stuff!!! :)

and for pe we did stairs......... kill me because i had stitch but anyways we climbed up and down and up and down 7 times with 15 sets of push ups and sit ups after each lap. one thing i definitely did not consider when coming to jc is the intense pe....... well i sure am very very glad i did not join a sports cca [somehow] [my friends know why somehow] HAHAHA.

so we were early for church, very early, like 2 hours early, and we managed to catch up with elysia for awhile. her course (visual communications) is so cool, they actually designed a tote bag omg!!! i want that tote bag ely...... and then i did a little small part of lit homework, annotating a poem. and then also caught up with jay for awhile ::::::) and he wants to come back to the teens because of us okay hahah. :) miss ya campus people!!! and its so funny how i "made" dayna sit with vivian hahaha secute ya ok. and after service, caught up with my pangseh kia, joseph!!!!! pangseh because he went to plt and no longer in the west!!! but ya it was good talking to him about coming to jc, pj to be exact hahaha yas friend you are not gonna pangseh me to go campus next year ok!!! but yeah talking to him is so funny maybe cos he's joseph hahaha. and then talked to janelle about school. seems like in church we just talk about school a lot. HAHAHA. yea it was quite a good night.

did i mention lit trip in june is going to perth but it's freaking expensive so ;;;;;;;;(

and yea i'm gonna do my homework i gotta pull up my socks

till next time x

somethin'

Thursday, 23 April 2015 || 10:03 pm

hello. so i'm having a little little feels now to just..... blog about random things, mostly my feelings that i just want to type out because i would probably feel better after typing everything out rather than keeping it all to myself. okay, i won't type everything out but ya you definitely know what i mean. so this post is more of me talking to myself kind of thing. not interested? there's a red x button at the top right of the page. :)

so it's nearing the end of term2 week5, which is like half a term over, and almost a complete term of school for us J1s. i don't know whether i'm feeling stressed or not. but we have had quite a number of mini tests, lecture tests and cas since we started school. and so far my grades have been QUITE okay i guess, except for lit paper 3, so close to passing AHHHH. taking tests in jc is pretty scary okay, like every assignment you do, every test you sit for, it all counts towards promos. so it's hella scary i swear. like now i'm just hoping for the best for my tests. i'm just so determined to pass my tests, like at least a pass. but then sometimes i just get super lazy and.... #joweenproblems and it seriously pisses me off whenever people say that they are not prepared for the test, or confirm failing, or saying that they didn't study, and end up, they score the highest. i mean like GO AWAY????!!!!! like i actually know that you do study and burn the midnight oil and you dare say that you will fail i mean like come on...... ugh. and during my breaks whenever i see people studying, especially J1s, i just get scared because i know that i should be studying. i should just really buck up and stop slacking and lazing and getting distracted very very easily. like, it's april already, 2 months to mid years and around 6 months or more to promos. i don't want to disappoint myself, nor my parents. i have chosen this jc route, and i know full well it's not easy. no regrets, no regrets.

anyway there's a lot of problems relating to friends for me now i dont even know. it's not the first time i'm experiencing these kind of problems... i mean i actually faced it before and i definitely do not want to go through all the conflicts and stuff again. i just... don't know what to do with my friends, okay? okay. i'm just an ordinary teen trying to fit in.

so yesterday's assembly period was pretty fun. we were in our homeroom doing the mbti thingy and apparently the teacher doing the thing for our class is mr omar, our co ct, and it's the first time we're meeting him actually HAHAHA. and he's actually pretty nice and funny i don't know, but i feel that we can communicate with him quite well. HAHAH. okay yeah. and during the peer coach session, zhe ern actually made a little sweets pack for each and every single person in our class. she actually used her own money omg help. hahaha then anyways we did this thing where we wrote our names on a blank paper and people would write like, encouraging stuff for us so we went around the class. and i wrote for everybody because duh i'm nice. no just kidding, but ya at the end of the session, we were trying to figure out who write what, and i guess i was pretty encouraged. ;) gave ambvass exco selection a miss....

can't hang around much now, i've got to print out another copy of my PI...... which is due tomorrow. yes, 7% of our PW marks for a levels would be submitted tomorrow, no more doing drafts after drafts after drafts!!! i actually did like 5 drafts, and spent two hours cutting down my words from 800+ words to 500 words. the word limit sucks, giving all of us a headache!!!! andddd we're gonna get to know our pw groupings tomorrow. am i excited, i don't even know. i guess, whoever i am grouped with, i just gotta accept my group members and work well with them. no judging joween, no judging.

it's past 10pm now and i have to write to lit essays so rip to my sleep so i'm probably gonna look really really dead tomorrow throughout the whole day... so i'm sorry if i'm a bit moody ya!!!! hopefully i'll get to sleep in on saturday though. i need my rest!!!!!!!

till next time x

PJ FIESTA!!!

Wednesday, 22 April 2015 || 9:32 pm

sorry for the month long of no update!!! i have initially wanted to post this post on the day after pioneer fiesta, but i guess procrastination got the better of me and school just kinda got busy and i just kinda got lazy................. so let's just pretend that this post was posted on 12 april, aye?

hello friends!!! or rather to myself!!! it's been a really long, tiring but exciting week this week because on 11 april saturday, Pioneer Junior College held it's first ever carnival!!! yes, first ever in pj's 15 years of history!! and hence the planning started months ago, and ideas for games and food of each classes started months ago too, and all the planning would be carried out today. and this carnival actually took place within less than 3 months since we've been here. anyways we had one and a half days set aside for funfair preparations. no lessons, just preparations and walking around getting ready for this day.

on thursday, we had half day of lessons, until 1.30 (which isn't much of a big difference for me because we only missed out on one lesson). and afterwards, me joey walia and xintien cabbed to woodlands, where xintien went back home and the three of us had lunch and went grocery shopping, aka shopping for baking stuff because we were gonna bake for funfair. at around six, xintien came, by then we were almost done with preparing the dough and we baked chocolate chip cookues and butter cookies. xintien and walia went back at 7.30 ish, and me and joey baked all the way till 12.30am omg so dead tired.

and on friday, it was a whole day dedicated to preparing for the carnival. we actually learnt that ms gohh treated the class pizza yesterday for dinner and we were like !!!!!!!!!!!! because we actually baked until midnight ok!!!!!!! anyways, we did our board and basically did the deco and name and menu and stuff la. i don't even know what we were doing actually. HAHAHA. me and joey left at 12.30, bought some ingredients, and went back home to immediately continue baking. we even skipped church that night because there was simply too many cookies to bake!!!! and i slept earlier than joey...... but altogether we baked like close to 200 or even more butter cookies and chocolate chip cookies respectively. crazy aye.

saturday was the actual day. the day all pioneers have been preparing and looking forward to for the week -- PIONEER FIESTA!! woke up at like 6am like any other school day and boy we were sooooo tired. luckily dad drove us to school with all the big arse containers of cookies and two trays of brownies if not we would have died on the way to school............. we reached school relatively early at around 7.30am. on a saturday. well. and we just went to our stall to prepare and soon it was 9am. holy. the official start of pioneer fiesta. sooooooooo when my friends weren't around i walked around giving out samples of brownies aka crumbs HAHAHA and also helped out at the booth too. i shall not describe everything that happened from 9-4 because it's 2 weeks ago and my memory isnt that good //inserts moon emoji// HAHAHA. oh well so the first group of people who came were the dancers!!!!! xueqi hengjie faith danny and bryan!!!!!!! danny almost made me fall down i not happy. they were later joined by yini and keting la and they bought my brownies bc <333333333 ok jk bc they miss my brownies soooo much. and we also took polaroids and pictures. then there was also alice and chinyee they all and the church gang, which was a pretty big gang because vanessa invited them and she is popz hahaha. so yea it was a great time walking around trying to entertain all the friends and seeing what to spend money on. saw some other familiar faces too, like ada and xuan rui, both the friends whom i have known for the ninth year omg and some cchy people and shihui and xiuhui and others. and at around 2+, we got a liiiiiitle bit restless and wanted to quickly sell our cookies. so chun stepped up and shouted. and we reduced the price and soon, to join in the fun, i also stood up on the bench and shouted. HAHAH. it was fun!!!! and even though the jc2 class people opposite us kept judging us and the canteen was realllllllly crowded with a lot a lot of people, i just shouted like YOLO. when else do you get to shout so loud in front of a crowd you don't even know? HAHAHA and by 3, all our cookies were sold. WELL DONE FOOD PEOPLE. so yea we went around, watching people get dunked and doing the reverse bungee which i wanted to do so much!!!! and walking around taking pictures and talking. and at 4, we closed our stalls and cleared the whole school and we went to our class for debrief..... which took like, quite awhile..... and our class took a class photo...... without faith. so we still have yet to take a full class photo!!!!!! hahah anyways we had a final debrief at the canteen so ya the whole school was at the canteen............................ and then we did 2 last cheers before we were dismissed at 6ish!!!!! and we went to have dinner at lot1 with vanessa and the church gang who were gonna watch insurgent hahaha and we went home when their movie started. anyway it was a very very very tiring 3 days but i had fun on saturday, so so happy to see all the old familiar faces, whether primary school, secondary school, or church. :) thanks for coming down to pioneer fiesta!!!!!

anyways today like literally today we finally met our co ct, mr omar hahahahahaha and what we did during assembly period especially the peer coach thingy was fun and funny!!!!! and yea a lot of things happened recently but it's all in a jumbled mess right now like the script performed last night and charli xcx is performing tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i have decided not to go for exco interview which was today. probably something i will regret because..... i kinda enjoy being a leader. HAHAH im weird i dont know what im talking about im probably tired ok soRRY. ya bye.

term 2 week 2

Friday, 3 April 2015 || 9:33 pm

hello!!!!! it's the end of term 2 week 2 and i am so so glad i survived the week!!!! 8 more weeks till the term break aka mid years. oh the joy!!!!! but anyways this week was pretty okay for me except that i probably look tired most of the time because i AM tired most of the time, except when i'm laughing and well that's an exception. HAHAHA. like even though i sleep at 10.30 or earlier or slightly later, i still am very tired. but this post is gonna be a gist of how my week went so......

monday 30/3/15
idk school?????? J2s not in school because it's their marking day. but well. all is well except that kelvin is such a retard. like cos we had econs tutorial and he was sitting in front of me. and well i put my table under my table. then he actually took out my foolscap pad from my bag and drew on it and i didnt even notice him doing that HAHAHA then he also scared me in the cafe and i literally screamed but luckily not many people were in the cafe at that time. hahaha and i think its a monday morning thing, but xintien was super high during the breaks.😂😂

wednesday 1/4/15
happy april fools!!!!! no pranks today though. today we had our very very first cca session!!! like finally in the second week of term 2!!!! and before that i was freaking nervous and scared and i didn't really want to go cca but. yeah i went in the end. and there were like 44 J1s!!?!?!?!?!???!!! out of the 44 i only know like joey audrey yuting and skyxis HAHAHA so first was the teacher talking..... and then admin stuff and while we were paying ambass fund, one senior was sitting beside the treasurer shaking hands with us and welcoming us to ambass HAHAH. then we watched a video of ambass events last year. am i excited yet idk HAHAHA. then we went one round around the room introducing ourselves. then we split into groups of 5 and ya i was with yuting audrey joey and vionna (marcus' girlfriend) and then some j2s joined us. they were cecilia, xinpei and joyce. apparently joyce is from 14A06 and our class bonded but i.... don't remember. HAHA. and xinpei is supposed to be our ogl!!!! and cecilia is vvvvv funny. so we just laughed and talked. and we tried our blazer sizes. and then we laughed and talked again i think our group was the noisiest group omg. afterwards, we shifted to outside the hall area to have our bonding session instead. and then this other big group one senior had to do a forfeit and i like volunteered myself to go and i had to stand in the middle of the circle while the senior said a pick up line????? its so funny cos he didn't know how to say the menu joke like he didnt know how to say it the right way ok HAHAHAH. and then we talked some more until around 5, we had pizza!!! pizza on our first cca session yo!!!! HAHAHAH and then we talked with marcus until like 5.40 and we were dismissed yay.

thursday 2/4/15
i shall skip the school part!!!! anyway today is the last day of school for the week because tomorrow is good friday and on good friday there is no school!!! so we went back to cchy today. wanted to collect our O level cert, but then testimonials wasn't ready yet, and they said we should collect both together so💁💁 and then we went up. to the ava room. to dance. we waited outside for awhile because laoshi was at the door explaining things to them. so when we went it was omg the dance feels la ok!!! got greeted as seniors omg. and we talked to laoshi for a bit, about liming and adrian and other dancers. and yini made us say hi to a random sec1 junior who is actually quite cute hahaha. anyways danny suddenly grew super tall, and zheng teck too, and zerong only grew a little little bit. hahaha. took a lotttttt of selfies, and of course with laoshi too. :) they were doing the somersaults and all la and i couldn't do, but then i could do a bridge and i am so proud of myself HAHAHA. and afterwards, they kept the mattress and we danced!!!! yeah x3, handsup, live our story AND THE DEADLY SYF DANCE. HAHAHAHA i could only remember some steps but STILL. and the current batch of sec4s will be the last batch of dancers who know how to dance these dances which we learnt throughout the years. :') and when laoshi was speaking to dancers he just called us as "lao de" and "ex students" HAHAHAH as usual. and danny was talking to us asking if jc was stress and stuff, and he was so funny because he said "wah eh i greet you as senior leh" HAHAHAH my old friend omg. and then we left at 6. saw xueqi on the way to khatib mrt. omg i wanna go back dance againnnnn!!! and today was the sl investiture, couldn't go back because of school, and i am so proud of the student council. :') i miss dance and council so much!!!!!!!!!

friday 3/2/15
goooooood friday holiday!!! which means a chance to sleep in!!! but i woke up at 9 which was considered an okay timing la. met dayna at admiralty mrt station like she was at the front end and we were at the back end and we headed to jurong together for bibletalk!!!! we were early, actually only 5 minutes early, but everyone was late, so we went to get koi first (okay, just me) and then went back to the meeting place where suddenly 6/7 people reached HAHAHA. we had lunch at the foodcourt beside wendy's, and we occupied like 4 tables in total??? our table had 10 people. there was theo caryl violet xuanqi crish xueyi joey dayna me and perry's friend. HAHAHA. and the other people who went were jiaying eugene davis joel tianyi ivan perry beverly and vanessa. i think i missed out some people idk hahahah. my skate boots were size 35 HAHAHAHAHAH dont judge the size of my feet please and for the next two hours, we ice skated, took pictures, talked, selfied, had fun. :) i rested for like 5 minutes because my feet hurt like mad. and then continued going in circles and i am so happy that this time, my second time ice skating, i did not fall!!! HAHAHA because the last time i did, i fell syraight on my butt. but well there were at least 5 times i ALMOST fell, and my heart skipped a beat HAHAHA. but it was pretty cool. i mean it was literally cool. STORY OF MY LIFE AND YOU & I PLAYED OK I AM NOT OKAY :-) :-) afterwards me joey and dayna rushed to church for midweek service which started at 4pm today. we coincidentally met julia in the train HAHAHAHA and we had pretty funny conversations like how julia was baking rock buns and dayna said make it sound atas only, and how julia brought her whole kitchen out HAHAHAHA and we arrived 15 minutes late though!!! so for midweek today we watched a part of the passion and i got emotional just not as much as the first time i watched it. there were some oarts i couldn't bring myself to watch though. then uncle wee keong did a short lesson. and fellowshipppppppppppp. we fellowshipped for like around half an hour and i got stuck with jiajuan. but then nick was like "eh where you going" and im like "uhhhhhhhhh i dont know me and my sister very lonely now" and he invited us to join them so yay hahahaha. nathan invited too before that. and then me and jiajuan and nick and jeremy and jonathan and justin headed to compass point. and while we were waiting for nathan and jared to finish their follow up study, we walked around. from cotton to metro to popular to a random music shop where nick played to piano to kiddy palace. and so funny cos jiajuan thought that the super small shirts for guys were crop tops HAHAHAHA and when amnesia played it was omg moment for me HAHAHAH i was judging them man. (and sorry, i spammed snapchat today) HAHAHA. and and and nick waxed his hair i tried messing it. i TRIED. and after 45 minutes, they were done, and we went to have subway to eat. so it was jiajuan me nathan nick justin jeremy jonathan and jared HAHAHA. and jiajuan actually ordered ALL the vegetables i'm like whatttttttttt. and idk, but hearing their convo was quite funny HAHAHA and we ate and talked and i snapchatted for around half an hour to 45 minutes and we went. home. so tired.